The Story of My Life

foreverbotched @ 2009-01-21T02:33:00

2009-01-21T10:40:15Z

you dont love me.
me.
you might like
what i let you
pretend to
think ive become.
"him."
you love "him."
yea, i know im an asshole.

but i really do love you.
love what you do for me,
what youve done for me.
i respect everything about you.
you taught me so many things.
and i owe you for all of this.
i hope flowers and a kiss
can repay my debt.

and if not...

foreverbotched @ 2009-01-11T13:21:00

2009-01-11T21:29:55Z

time, persistent.

rushed.
time, none left to loose.
foggy head,
cant think straight.

dreamcatcher,
where have you taken my dreams?

friends calling,
i dont know how to comply.

why?

new year,
feels like a new life.
new year,
with a new set of eyes.

new year,
new fear.

rushed.
no time to elaborate,
collaborate,
create.

five day birthday.
what the fuck to do?

foreverbotched @ 2008-11-16T00:28:00

2008-11-16T08:33:36Z

cat clawing at my window,
you teach me something i already i knew.
she doesnt please me,
it just aint that easy.
just to easy,
just to complacent.
just to simple,
and nice,
and never naughty enough.

i cant find the other half of the shell,
your right,
i didnt care to see you this week.

i want it all.
nothing simple ever satisfies.
why did i do this to you,
she never saw it coming.

man eater

2008-09-02T08:51:56Z

take a picture.
frame it.
post it on a bulletin board.
declare to your peers,
that you and this person are an "item"
no longer for sale.

look at a picture.
see a face
wrapping arms around
upon a lover.
look at a picture.
see the same face
wrapping the same arms around
upon a new lover,
each time
the same expression upon the face.
a still frame movie of infatuation,
persistence,
denial,
and rejection.

isn't it funny how,
how someone can need somebody.
how we,
how we hunt
for the shelter of another's bed.
and isn't it the saddest thing
what hunger can do to one's character.

straight from the frame to the flame.
a never ending cycle.
the widow eats her lovers,
and the picture remains the same.

foreverbotched @ 2008-08-05T04:15:00

2008-08-05T11:26:09Z

sexual pinata.
smirk of lust.
"man eater."
dreams.
strange revelations
about sexual situations.
placid timid unshaved.
stockings, costumes, pills, and heels.
striking contrast like in a negative photograph.
mojo?
i still work too much,
and fuck never enough.
love is still something i question.
attachment and co dependence seem the more rational terminology.
i thought today while emptying cash registers full of coins into sealed bags that i will never see again.
and every night i do this.
new coins.
new bags.
fear.
would she leave me?
why?
would i care?
would i leave her?
how do i keep her happy?
is she happy?
i work too much.
seal the bag.
new bag is now an old bag waiting for delivery.

heating pizza by the slice in front of a gas powered,glass covered fireplace.

2008-07-26T21:47:12Z

lifes not a race,
and if it was why would you want to be the first to the finish line?
if that were the case
hypothetically youd wish you were a snail, or if your lucky something even slower.
time off is time well spent.
lifes not a race,
so dont make it into one,
there isnt always a faster, efficient way,
there are only different ways.
knowing as many as you can is the only way.
breathe.
shut it off.
breathe.
turn it off,
that part of me that ceases to submit,
that fights to not sleep,
that kills to sleep in.
id like to slow down,
i need someone to slow me down,
but is she the one?

foreverbotched @ 2008-07-14T14:17:00

2008-07-14T21:22:47Z

work is a button pressed,
a gear shifted,
and a mind muted.
it is a sentence that is
routinely scheduled,
and regimentally dreaded.
a slow 8 hour asphyxiation of the soul.
a dog and pony show,
pissing contest,
high school discount shopper,
marathon.
regimentally dreaded,
routinely scheduled.
how is life spost to bloom
in the shaded cracks of employed pavement
we call a day off.
its a mystery and a travesty all in one.
no wonder the director shot himself.

foreverbotched @ 2008-07-08T14:40:00

2008-07-08T21:55:06Z

lessons will shed their covers
on their own time.
stacking countless hours in boxes on the shelfs
of empty aisles will teach you nothing.
looking for answers to questions you haven't yet asked
will run you tired in circles.
confidence is hard to hire.
doubt is an easy vice to promote.
sometimes, like a leaf from a tree,
a gift will just fall into your lap.
sometimes a persons luck just like the seasons,
can change.
maybe that sometime is this time.

foreverbotched @ 2008-06-27T10:45:00

2008-06-27T18:04:52Z

i see myself today,
set apart from any other version of myself.
who is this?
is that me?

tragic it is,
to see how a dollar can change a person.
words account for nothing,
only words on paper count.

working hard,
is working foolishly
in the age of the machine.
in the age of bullshit we live in.
words account for nothing,
words on paper speak for days.

take your time off,
you deserve it.
monkeys will always throw shit,
and maybe that is why businessmen carry briefcases of paper to throw at people.

all we have is time for sale,
the people buying it are our enemies.
through written agreements and paper transactions
my free time becomes anothers,
and it becomes a sadder and sadder thing,
everyday after i punch that clock.

foreverbotched @ 2008-06-08T00:00:00

2008-06-08T07:20:42Z

unattainable lips,
just one kiss,
has it ever been this precious
i have never payed attention to expiration dates so much.
a perfectly timed conversation.
doubt sprouts like mold on fresh fruit, spoiling the sale.

excuses,
schedules,
regret,
lies,
pills,
pot,
and sleep deprivation.

never been able to put a finger on it.

we all have time to sell,
money to spend.
money to spend,
bills to pay.
beds to fill,
with time better off spent.

foreverbotched @ 2008-05-18T12:14:00

2008-05-18T19:25:41Z

we all get what we want.
sometimes what you get wasnt what you wanted.
perfection minus a few.

am i to nice?
or is it her?
goodbyes
juxtaposed with silence,
she silently waits and begs for me to kiss her.
it still doesnt feel right.
she seems like an exhibit at a museum,
beautiful and elegant behind a paned glass,
never to be touched,
never to be felt,
only admired.

i feel like a fire to her freshly planted garden.
i could show this girl things she would never see.
does she want me to?

my nervous unsureness turns into gentlemen like hospitality.
this doesnt feel natural.
although it doesnt seem forced.

i am confused and unsure about her.
i havent had a dream in months.
i dont even know who i am anymore.
i am not my entire self when i am with her.

Galuschka

2008-05-10T08:21:35Z

beautiful
night
light
on her face.
elegant
silhouette
speaking,
painting
mountain tops.
while swinging
up on
a swing set.
not kissing her,
although honest,
becaomes more difficult after
each
passing
overhead light,
crossed her eyes
and
glistened
her teeth.

our innocent silence,
always concedes
after only
a few
moments
to a question
posed
with such intriguing
grace.
i,
always with a
childlike
anxiousness,
answer.
she bites her bottom lip
and responds with her gorgeous voice
over an orchestra of insects abound.

im trying to
make her
dance with me.
im'a buy me a
lottery ticket
with
luck
like
this.

its nice to
meet you
gala.

2 glass minimum

2008-05-01T21:30:33Z

today is not another day.
there is a seed growing in my belly,
today i breathe shape shifting color.
today there is something other than
blood running in my veins.
overcome by a anxious hope to meet her.
today i will meet her.
in just under an hour or so,
oh no.
oh geesh,
oh gosh,
what do i say?
whats my name again?
today feels like a first time,
for what,
i dont yet know.
theirs a seed in my belly,
and a sun in my throat,
im sprouting shape shifting colors.

oh timid and shy one,
how you bring out the confidence in me.
are my feet even touching the ground?
oh how your smiling eyes taste just like wine,
filling my heart with such a warm feeling.
may i have another glass of you this evening?

my morning jacket.

2008-04-24T17:45:45Z

my new favorite feeling
is my morning jacket covering my torso and touching my waist,
just as i set down the empty cup of just drank coffee,
the first steps on the sidewalk into the dark cold early morning.
i feel like a king,
walking the streets in which i own.
they dont even know,
there all still asleep in their little beds,
in their little heads,
running and winning rat races amongst empty faces.
im leaving them all behind,
leaving them all for good.
i am awake,
i am alive.

i am suffocating my need for sleep,
midnight has never seemed so late.
asphyxiate the urge to stop and rest,
and you will kill with it the dogma of the dream.

becoming a man never felt so right.

donation guillotine

2008-04-23T23:50:13Z

ive seen others take down picture frames,
while some are filling and hanging new ones.

memories and photographs for hire.
fresh fruit for sale.
cum one,
cum all.

paths are parted so effortlessly.

first words are usually spoken softer than last.
although,
im positive i always taste the last kiss longer than the first.

some fish are just harder to catch than others.
they'll be plenty to throw back overboard,
and plenty of stories about the good one that got away.

fresh fruit for sale.
cum one,
cum all.

all that doesnt sell,
even at haf price cost,
will be donated.

foreverbotched @ 2008-04-08T03:37:00

2008-04-08T11:06:32Z

im restless.
sleep is irrelevant.
dreams are still just dreams.
work will always be the death of the artist.

dont see to many familiar faces,
just new ones becoming old ones,
like a handful of sand in an open palm.
love is for dreamers that are still sleeping,
still dreaming.

im tired of being tired of.
whats my excuse for my excuses?
the positivity in negativity?

"buy the ticket, take the ride,"
is not always the easiest approach to life.
although bold and upfront,
its completely irrelevant,
like youthful rebelliousness,
but at other times calming and necessary
like smoking after a good fuck or a nice meal.

learn from what you thrive off.
take home with you only that which you wish to conquer.
inspiration is the mother of all conceptions.
roll with the pace and coast with the tides,
remember there are reduced speed zones along even the most scenic of highways.

4am, you always were my favorite lover.
5am, what a good friend you've always been to me.

the artist awakens as its time for sleep.

thats all she wrote

2008-04-01T06:07:04Z

after
the
cold
dark
early
morning,
the
two
o'clock
sun
has
never
shined
so bright.
the same breathes,
these same steps,
they are to a different light.

a growth of appreciation
after lack contact.
the mounting thirst
with a broken glass.
the tainted timbre
of a shattered heart.

the
two
o'clock
sun
has
never
shined
so bright.

if you want to see the light,
you must come from a darker place.
if you want to see my love,
then just show me your true face.

the same breathes,
these same steps,
they are to a different light.

foreverbotched @ 2008-03-17T20:55:00

2008-03-18T04:20:21Z

i write this to myself
as a declaration to uphold a standard of living
to which if i were asked if i would change a thing,
id say i woudlnt.

i dont ever want to hear the echos of slamming doors
followed by agitatedly paced steps down and up the hall
back to the door to crash open and scream a stanza, slam and repeat.
relationships cant be built on complexes.
they cant be saved by love,
or solidified by trust.

and i pause to dictate my surroundings:

"you started it!!
you stop it!!
you cant stop it!!
if you dont like it,
then fuckin leave!!!
just fuckin shut the door,
and leave.
you talk to me like im a piece of dirt in your life."

"im trying to make more intamacy with you and try to tell you nicely thing you need to do.unlock the door."

"i didnt lock the door."

maybe your life got better for you when you retired,
but it didnt for me"

door slam:

footsteps down hall.
crying.
wimpering.

muffled cursing and rambling from other room.

crying.
footsteps back down the hall.

"everytime i try to talk, but if you dont like it you just tell me to hit the road.
i miss my own life. but you wont let me talk to you about it, but you wont let yourself understand. i just want you to comfort me."

"i dont have to stay here, just liek you dont.
what ever mood you wanna walk out of the room in."

door slam.
door open.
go out of the room.
door slam.
door open.
rumbling.
chasing down the hall.

"you better calm the fuck down woman or im gonna call the cops to come pick your crazy ass up"

silence....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
muffled cursing.
rambling.
"what the fuck did i do,
fuckin stupid ass bitch!
inchorent cursing/name calling.

silence.

muffled cursing.
you can go live with somebody else with you neh neh neh neh
fuck this bull shit
i cant live with this stupid ass
for 30 fucking years and im over and done with
you stupid ass
neh neh nhe

crying from the living room.
gasping crying from the living room.

silence.
.
.
.
.
incorherent mumbled crying and panting mixed with words
"you have no idea how hard it is for me to go outside when i feel like this
you stupid ass."
door quietly shuts.
gasping crying from the living room.
silence from the bedroom.

and finally now it has gone on so long,
it is merely background noise
to which i must overcome and perceiver.

that has pretty much been what my family life has always been like.
im trying leave my child hood as just that.
my adult life has already started
and things like this i dont want to be a part of it.
these are not examples of healthy relationships.
i need to be more open,
and honest,
sincere,
and patient.

but for now
as i sit in a room that i wish had thicker walls and padded doors.
i need to force myself to sleep to get up and go to work early.
looks like old habits will always be good friends.
have a beer and some smoke,
what else is such a lonely man to do.
i have no family i have no friends.
not even a pet anymore.
i have a job.
a pretty damn decent job,
that i for once can say i really like and can do it everyday with an honest heart.
ill make it out of here.
i didnt know it, but im already on my way.

"Find Her Finer" as performed by Frank Zappa

2007-12-15T22:10:47Z

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

If you should see a girl on the street
Now maybe you might think she is sweet
But if you wanna tickle her treat
Now really, what should you do?
(Rat-tat-tat-tat-ta-da!)

Don't never let her know you are smart
The universe is no place to start
You gotta play it straight from the heart
She might enunciate you
(That's why you gotta . . . )

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Now maybe you might think this is crude
And maybe you might think I am rude
And maybe this approach I have spewed
Is not the one for you
(Rat-tat-tat-tat ta-da!)

But believe me later on you'll find
As you impress her with your mind
That you would just be left behind
For a wiser fool
(So you might as well)

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

foreverbotched @ 2007-12-14T14:20:00

2007-12-14T22:14:46Z

wrap them up,
take them home.
if only it were that easy,
to come home to a wife and a child.
the woman and the little girl of my life,
waiting with open arms.
never before have i envisioned this reality,
it was never for me, or so i thought.

im only getting older with each day,
and with each day that passes,
i yearn more and more for this eternal challenge.
i know its not a cure
for the loneliness that ails me,
but its a start,
a spark to ignite the flame that burns deep within my heart.
its such a cold winter this year,
i beg for a touch of warmth to revive this old soul.
until then my strife continues,
some days easier than others.
see you seen my love,
and baby, i have a head full of songs to sing you to sleep,
i cant wait for those endless nights,
i will be there for every moment of them.

No

2007-12-12T05:19:32Z

how hard is it to say no?
put it down,
put it back on the shelf.
is it like crumpling up a piece of paper
and just,
just tossing it,
aimlessly towards some sort of trash bin,
almost hoping it misses.
so you can laugh and smile
and feel like a rebel,
"someone else will come along
and
pick that up."
is saying no, something like that?
is it really all that simple?
is it like canceling a magazine subscription?
or turning down a waitress's request to garnish your salad in freshly ground pepper?
is it that nonchalant?

no.

excerpt from "Romeo" perfomed by Sublime

2007-12-10T04:13:36Z

"I have a secret place inside my mind,
where I keep hidden inspiration you will find.
And when my petty anger goes to my head,
you'll find I'm better off dead.
Oh, and I don't hold the key,
to find out what is killing me, its,
been so long but somehow i just still care,

I am a Romeo, am a Romeo, with no place to go

Sometimes I think you hate me, hang up the phone,
but take a closer look, this hate I feel is my own.
So many times I've loved you, more than myself,
it's time to take that love and put it on the shelf.
Oh, and when I hold you tight,
it makes me want to scream and fight.
Love turned to hate,
some how it's just, how it's just,
how it's just to late.

I am a Romeo, am a Romeo with no place to go"

foreverbotched @ 2007-12-07T13:43:00

2007-12-07T21:44:04Z

Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard .......................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal
I don't Fucking care.....................0 cal

Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal

Orgasm
Real................................112 cal
Faking................................315 cal

After sex
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door.............1942 cal
Her mom walking in..............................Priceless!!!

foreverbotched @ 2007-12-06T18:31:00

2007-12-07T02:37:45Z

every day ends up the same,
we start out talking and chatting away all morning.
at first the frequency is high,
messages are sent and messages are received in the same moment.
but as the days progresses,
they stop all together.
maybe one here, and maybe one there.
her in store entertainment comes and goes,
time passes,
and i am forgotten.
by closing time,
the morning full of plans and promises and fantasies
is thrown out and replaced by the rush and urge to make it home.
i sit alone and wait for a response but there never is one.
guess im not getting my chiken noodle soup tonight,
i have become a dog at the table, begging for scraps,
tonight i guess ill starve, like every other night,
alone and sick in bed, not being able to sleep or think about anyone else.
what a curse this is, to love someone.

"Have You Ever Loved A Woman" by Billy Myles

2007-12-06T02:23:11Z

Have you ever loved a woman
So much you tremble in pain?
Have you ever loved a woman
So much you tremble in pain?
And all the time you know
She bears another man's name.

But you just love that woman
So much it's a shame and a sin.
You just love that woman
So much it's a shame and a sin.
But all the time you know
She belongs to your very best friend.

Have you ever loved a woman
And you know you can't leave her alone?
Have you ever loved a woman
And you know you can't leave her alone?
Something deep inside of you
Won't let you wreck your best friend's home.